Eat Not the Heart
by erica2004
Summary: What is the price of rejection? Sorry thats all I have folks. But as a warning, this will gear towards SHEYlA.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Eat Not the Heart

**Author:** Erica

**Rating:** M (just to be on the safe side)

**Pairing:** John/Teyla (doesn't really come into play until later) and a few hints of Lorne/Teyla friendship

**Summary: **What is the true price of rejection? Sorry folks, that's all I have for the summary. In truth, I don't know how to really describe it.

**Spoilers:** Everything up to The Long Goodbye has happened for the show. Everything after, lets just say never happened. Which makes this fic AU.

"_We know diseases of stoppings, and suffocations, are the most dangerous in the body; and it is not much otherwise in the mind; you may take sarza to open the liver, steel to open the spleen, flowers of sulphur for the lungs, castoreum for the brain; but no receipt openeth the heart, but a true friend; to whom you may impart griefs, joys, fears, hopes, suspicions, counsels, and whatsoever lieth upon the heart to oppress it, in a kind of civil shrift or confession"_

_**- Sir Francis Bacon**_

Pain. All she felt was pain. She didn't know how long she had been lying there. Seconds were hours and minutes were days of agony. The knives were still embedded in her palms, face up, pinning her to the wood table. Blood was pooling underneath with a steady drip, drip from the cracks in the boards. A crown of thorns seemingly perched delicately on her brow, stained brown with dried blood. Rivulets ran down her face, into her hair, some pooling in her ears and eyes. Three round burns lay blistered and exposed on her chest in a V pattern permeating the immediate area with the smell of charred flesh. Her stomach was sliced into what would have been a beautiful pattern, had it not been her belly, her blood. Pain throughout her body. Then the blessed darkness.

"_Medical team to Jumper Bay…"_

Flash.

"_losing…blood…too much…"_

Flash

"…_not stabilizing…"_

Flash

"_who…torture?..."_

Flash

Flash. Flash. Flash.

…………………………

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

In. Out.

In…

She was kneeling motionless on a mat in the gym. All that could be heard was the steady in and out of her breathing. Sweat beaded on her forehead while her sticks lay haphazardly in front of her. Soft afternoon light filtered in through colored panes of the window, enveloping her mussed hair in a faint golden glow. Dust floating in the air, partially visible, seemed undisturbed until the faint swoosh of a door opening signaled the end of the peaceful scene. The only sign of acknowledgement she gave was a slight tilt of her head in the door's direction.

"Ma'am, the Daedalus has come out of hyperspace and should be landing within the hour. Dr. Weir, Lt. Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay and Dr. Beckett will be arriving in half an hour, to be beamed directly to the Gate Room."

"Thank you, Lt."

Then the doors closed and she was alone again.

Four figures materialized in front of the gate in a show of light and color. There was a pause in the movement around them, but as soon as they were fully corporeal, those that waited with bated breathe, exhaled and movement resumed. Major Lorne was the first to step up to the group.

"Welcome back Dr. Weir, Col. Sheppard, Drs. How was the return trip?"

"Thank you Maj. The trip was uneventful if quite long. But a welcome break from the meetings at Stargate Command. I trust Atlantis is in the same shape as it was when we left?" asked Weir as she gazed around the room with ill-concealed relief. She was happy to be home.

"Of course ma'am. Still floating."

"Major. Report." Sheppard went straight to the point while standing expectantly with a pack still slung over his shoulder. He wanted to get this over and done with as soon as possible. The absence of sun for the last 18 days had made him claustrophobic and the room overlooking the east pier was just calling his name. Everything seemed in order as the weekly data-bursts from Atlantis had indicated.

"Sir, no Wraith contact on all fronts. The Valerans are holding up their end of the bargain; we should be receiving a supply of crop in the next two days. And Dr. Zelenka believes he has found a remote cloaking device. However, he and his team are still testing. Morale is up and threats are down. I'd say we're doing pretty damn good, Sir." Lorne was confident that he had handled things very well in the absence of the department heads once again. All he had to do was keep people from talking.

Rodney interjected quite vehemently, "That's all well and good, but I really can't stay here to stand and chit chat. I have to go fix whatever Zelenka has managed to break irreparably while I was gone. Hopefully I can get there before he completely screws up this remote cloaking device." And with that, he was off to the labs, muttering under his breath the whole way.

"Go Carson, I know you're itching to check in on the infirmary. I won't hold you here for this politic."

"Thank you Dr. Weir. I'm willing ta' bet tha' there has been at least one injury since I arrived." And he was gone in the same manner as McKay, but with considerable less haste, and no incoherent mumbling. Whistling, on the other hand, was somewhat audible from the corridors.

From the balcony of the control room, Teyla stood and watched as the group greeted and narrowed down to three. Her face was curiously open for such a private person. Her expression invited others to wonder what was making her so sad. However, they did not get a chance to study it long, for as soon as the group started making their way up to the briefing room, her face simplified and once more became a study of neutrality.

They would not know, could not know. It was for their own good for them to remain in the dark. All that she had worked for in the past would come undone if people talked louder than they should. As the group reached her, she briefly caught the eye of Maj. Lorne. He understood and was willing to stand by what she said. He may not have agreed with her reasoning, but in the end was persuaded to help her keep the silence.

Sheppard was not blind to this exchange. He saw the quick look and the barely there nod. He was immediately put on edge. It wasn't that he didn't trust his second in command and good friend or that he didn't have absolute faith in Teyla, but there was some hidden depth to the exchange that…_irked_…him.

"Teyla!" Dr. Weir exclaimed.

"Dr. Weir, Colonel, I trust that your journey went well?" Teyla asked in response.

"Yes, yes, very well, but I, for one, am very glad to be on solid ground in real space again. How are the Athosians?"

There, there it was again. A brief flinch and concerned eyes immediately darting towards her. Sheppard could've sworn that Lorne was that much closer to her now.

"They are well. The harvest was plentiful and two couples have already taken part in the bonding ritual. There was much to celebrate." Dr. Weir seemed to take all of her answers at face value, so much was her relief at finally being in Atlantis after all this time. The Colonel on the other hand seemed to stare into her as she talked. There was nothing overtly suspicious in his gaze, but it nonetheless put her on edge.

"Good. Everyone loves a good wedding. I'm sure Carson will want to go to the mainland to check up on everyone after he's done here. I understand one of women is pregnant and a first timer. Would it be okay with you if you accompanied him? He'll want to know the entire goings on." There was something in her voice which would accept no refusal. No, not a command, but more of an…_insistence._

"Ma'am, the reports are on your desk. I need to assist with the debarkation team."

"Thank you, Major." And there was the dismissal in her tone.

Teyla couldn't help herself: she gave a slight start when Dr. Weir mentioned accompanying Dr. Beckett to visit the village. And when she made her way down the stairs, slowly so as not to aggravate her wounds further after this morning's work out, the Major was there at her side, a silent shadow. The whisper of distance between them lending her some measure of strength to endure what would come later.

Sheppard watched with calculating eyes as the pair left the tower. There was something about their relationship that rubbed him the wrong way. Some would say jealousy, but he liked to think of it as professional care. He needed to know what would make her flinch like that, and what would move Lorne to that kind of display of, not affection, but, well, concern. Things were very calm on the surface of Atlantis, but he was going to find out how deep these still waters ran.

TBC

AN: Please review! I'm not saying this to try and get people saying that they like it or not. I'd rather get a good analytical review with what I'm doing right vs wrong and how I should improve. However, should you feel the need to just say, "That's great! Keep up the writing!" then I wouldn't be opposed to that. ;)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I forgot to put this up for the first chapter. But yeah, I own nothing. The big wigs own SGA and affiliated characters. The quote is by Sir Francis Bacon from "Of Friendship".

**_And now on to chapter 2…Some time later:_**

"…you just don't get it!" Lorne's voice permeated the corridor, "I can't keep lying to them! They deserve to know!"

Teyla coolly responded, "Whether they deserve to know is my decision. Am I not the affected? You do not need to lie to them. Let me do that."

Lorne heatedly interjected, "Yes, yes you are the one affected. But you must understand that I can't sit by and let you suffer in silence while everyone else walks and talks as if nothing has happened! Everything has happened! I feel like there's this big pink elephant in the room…"

"You do not have to worry for me. I am…_was_…a leader of my people for a great deal of time. I am strong enough for it," She continued softly, "It was my decision to make. I made it. I will live by it because I believe it is the right thing to do. I will not be thought as weak by your people."

"We don't think you're weak!" exclaimed Lorne, continuing at a lower decibel, "You are one of the strongest people I know. I respect you. I just don't respect your choice!"

She replied tersely, "Then you don't respect me. My choices are a part of me." Sneering, she went on, "If you are that greatly worried, go run along to the Colonel and report me."

"You know I won't do that. It's just that Col. Sheppard keeps looking at me as if I'm to be interrogated and I don't want to lose the trust he places in me. More to the point, I am worried about you…"

"What's going on here, Major, Teyla? Is there something I should know about?" Col. Sheppard smoothly entered.

Teyla was caught off-guard. She had not heard anyone approaching and of all people it had to be the Colonel. This was not the time or the place for him to discover anything. She had allowed herself to be cornered by Maj. Lorne precisely because she knew he would be unrelenting and this corridor was sufficiently empty for the time being. What she hadn't anticipated was that their conversation would be interrupted by the topic himself. She knew she could ward him off, but she was not so sure about the Major. He and the Colonel were close and his ties to him were much stronger than his ties to her. She kept her face as placid as possible while trying to calm the inner turmoil of discovery.

"Sir, nothing sir," Lorne placated. "Teyla and I were just discussing an injury she suffered earlier this week while sparring."

Sheppard knew something was very wrong but they clammed up as soon as he made his presence known. All he had heard was "care about you…" and that was enough to turn his stomach. Damn, he should have waited until they finished so he could get to the bottom of this goddamn mystery. All he could do now was play along with them even though he knew for a fact Teyla would not have fallen at all, especially if she was 'training' a beginner like Lorne. "Teyla? You're hurt?"

"It is nothing Colonel," she calmly added, "I just fell wrong on the mat. But it is of no consequence as the Major knows. I am not injured, just somewhat sore." If they could convince John that his concern was unfounded then she would be in the clear. He looked as if he wanted to ask more questions, but a sudden interference on the COM broke the pregnant silence.

_Col. Sheppard, Teyla, please report to the briefing room…_

"Okay, I need to still go to my quarters so Major, return to duty, and Teyla, after the briefing, you will go see Carson for a check up just in case you were hurt. Please tell Weir that I will be there 5 minutes." Sheppard had dismissed them both, but Lorne knew that the argument was far from over. He hoped that she would at least confide in Sheppard seeing as they were very close, but he knew even more so that that closeness would be the driving force for her reticence.

* * *

_Flashback_

"Luv, are ye ready for this?" Carson Beckett asked of woman next to him.

"Yes, Dr. Beckett. I am sure they will be very happy to see you once again. Nalla was very anxious when you left as she feared the baby would come before you arrived back," replied a slightly nervous Teyla.

"The wee one is only 6 months in tha' oven! Ah such is the life of a country doctor. In another life...but tha' is all fantasy now...Ye know, I never thanked ye for coming along. I'm sure ye will relish this time with them."

Teyla seemed to become even more jumpy at this. Carson couldn't figure out what was making the lass act so. It was almost as if she didn't want to see these people. But Carson knew better than that. Once a leader, always a leader, and Teyla was a caring leader.

The jumper jerked lightly, once, before coming to a complete stop. Outside the front window, the greenery could be seen in full force now that summer was upon them. Teyla and Dr. Beckett exited the rear only to be met by Halling once out of the jumper. Teyla met his gaze with one of her own, answering the unasked question before he got the chance to open his mouth. "We came so that Dr. Beckett could see to Nalla and the others."

Carson briefly wondered why she did not do the forehead greeting, but stood erect and aloof somewhat in front of him. The silent exchange was intriguing, however, once he noticed the bustle of the village, the thought escaped and he was once more the doctor on a mission, walking directly to the tent of his patient leaving Teyla alone with Halling.

"You should not have come so soon after the ceremony."

"And yet I am here," she added quietly, "I could not refuse a request from a…_friend_."

Halling stood there, silent in his disapproval. "There will be talk if you walk through the village. I do not think they have completely accepted your choice for what it is. Many still feel betrayed…"

"Who should feel betrayed? I am the one in exile. They will find another and forget, but I am forced to remember, every day and every night what happened…" she broke off suddenly, her shoulders slumping and her head hanging. She looked like a limp doll as if her strings had been cut. "There is nothing here for me, but I can't help feeling as if I have left everything behind."

This unexpected show of emotion moved Halling to place a tentative hand on her shoulder. He knew abstractly that she would be hurt, but to see it so was jarring. His moral high ground was suddenly feeling the effects of an earth tremor, shaky and dangerously close to crumbling altogether. But he could not lose that. His position was tenuous at best with the Elders and if he was seen to be allying with her, then he would suffer the same ostracizing. He removed his hand.

The loss of contact with her shoulder caused Teyla to remember where she was and who she was with. Her shoulders straightened and her face hardened. The almost-tears were gone and her heightened color had receded. The effects of the meeting were fleeting and in its place, neutrality took hold. She took a breath and proceeded to calmly walk towards the tent Dr. Beckett had entered earlier. Nalla was a good friend and would not publicly out her. And she was genuinely concerned for her and needed the reassurance that all was well with her and her baby. She knew there would be whispers, but counted on the fact that she would be with Carson to quell them. Halling was still at the jumper, staring off in her direction. She knew this without having to turn around as his eyes caused the hairs on the back of her neck to rise. It would not be long after this before they would be on their way back and she could retreat to her solitude. Blessed solitude.

TBC

AN: Aren't you lucky? Another chapter within a couple hours...and I will start writing the third one tonight. Who knows? You may have the completed story by tomorrow...On second thought, probably not. But review anyway!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Again, I own nothing.

**_And now on with the show...Present Time... _**

Sheppard entered the room as Elizabeth was talking. He tried to slide in as unobtrusively as possible, but she honed in on him as soon as he approached a chair.

"John, how nice of you to take time from your busy schedule to join us. Take a seat so we can get started…" Really, now it wasn't his fault he was late. The fight between Teyla and Lorne had put him behind schedule and this was the result. His mind weighed heavily on that issue. It was a distraction he could afford at this point since the mission was going to be an easy one. But he wasn't sure if it was one that could be afforded to two team members.

"Now as I was saying, this mission is standard people. Just a survey and study of the structures. Cloaked fly-overs have indicated no life signs in the area so this should be a cake walk. John, you and your team are going just in case. As the premier team, and by request of Rodney, this is your responsibility. The telemetry is provided in the pack in front of you. Preliminary readings show moderate energy readings from the main structure – here," Dr. Weir pointed to a spot on the map, "I expect you to check in within 4 hours and every hour after that. Good luck!" With that, the meeting was disbanded and the group went their own separate ways to prepare.

"Do you have to stick that in my face He-Man?" Rodney's voice could be heard lashing out, "I mean, really. What if it went off? I am far too valuable a mind to just be continually stunned. Think of the brain damage that is incurred every time…"

Ronon just continued to check his artillery while Rodney paced in front of him. They were waiting for the rest of the group to arrive and since departure was scheduled in 5 minutes, they had to come soon. Unlike the others, this wasn't his first gate travel in the last 6 weeks. While the Brain, the Brawn, Ms. Ballsy and the Doc were on Earth and in transit, he had requested time off to visit some really good bars on other planets. He had just come back two days before the quartet and was regretting the time off couldn't have been longer. Especially with the Brain starting in on him again. One of these days, he really was going to 'accidentally' let his stunner go off in McKay's face. A man can only take so much…

Teyla chose that moment to walk into the room in full gear. Ronon had noticed in the past few days that she seemed to wear her uniform a lot more than usual, and if not in full uniform, then she seemed to have acquired several Earth tops from the blonde doctor. Another regret it seems, since he really liked those cute little sewn tops she was so fond of. But that wasn't the crux of what was bothering him about her behavior. She smiled a whole lot less and even then, it was slight. He had not bothered to ask what was wrong since she obviously would not confide in him, but he tried to make himself available for little things like lunch and sparring. But whenever he came to the gym, she was just sitting there…_meditating_. He was more of an action kind of guy. And so he found himself in this position. Watching, waiting, but never approaching. And it seemed he wasn't the only one. Sheppard was looking at her with this…look. He caught his eye and nodded. They were both aware now and very much out of the loop. Turning around, he saw another pair of eyes from the balcony. Major Lorne was watching her with blatant concern. But his was not concern stemming from curiosity. He had a _knowing_ look. And goddammit, he wasn't going to sit around and wait for her to tell him. He would go straight to another source…the good Major would be hearing from him.

"Dial the gate."

"Chevrons' encoded. Gate activated"

The clangs of 7 symbols catching with the load swoosh of the engaging wormhole drew Sheppard out of his musings. Another day, another mission. It would just be the four of them and a great big forest with buildings. He wanted something commonplace, and, dare he say it, routine for once. He had his hands full enough with the Teyla issue and he really didn't want to screw that up. Their friendship had not quite bounced back from his time as the Fly Part Deux. It was a taboo subject and they made do with what they had, but trust was such a fragile thing. He still had abandonment issues from the time dilation field and while he knew it was irrational since it really had only been a couple of hours for them of extreme pressure, a small part of him believed they really had written him off. He wouldn't even get started on facing Teyla down with the alien in control of his body. That was a whole can of worms that at this point, was better off sealed and buried.

He had noticed, though, that she was more closed off than normal. And once he had seen her roaming the halls very late at night with this glazed look. He had written it off as the occasional nightmare, but then he had to admit, it was highly suspicious. She hadn't resumed kicking his ass either. He had tried talking to Carson to see if he noticed something on their trip to the mainland together, but that hadn't yielded anything of value. Carson kept going on and on about the lack of proper pre-natal care in the village. He hoped that during this mission, he might get a chance to talk to her a bit, without the stifling presence of Lorne over his shoulder or people constantly coming up to him asking for help. That was the other thing he had noticed. Lorne was everywhere! But now he had his chance and he wasn't going to pass it up. He had to get the information from her or else she wouldn't trust him ever again. But in the back of his mind he had to wonder if the scarier notion was what would happen once he got that information.

* * *

The four of them made their way through the gate and the brief cold it entailed. Emerging from the other side in a lush forest similar to the many other planets in the galaxy, the team immediately took stock of the early dawn light peaking over the ridge. Though it was mid-afternoon when they left Atlantis, it seem early morning on this planet. It was a short walk to group of buildings that they would be investigating today and thanks to the differing times, they would have a full day of sunlight ahead. 

"Why must you insist on walking to these sites when we have perfectly good jumpers just sitting in Atlantis? Just a few miles you say…well let me tell you, I could go into hypoglycemic shock from the exertion." Rodney paused for effect but noticed all he got for the effort was a snort from He-Man, "Don't scoff at me for thinking of my well being. Without me, we wouldn't be here…"

Teyla was not paying attention to the ranting going on a few feet to her left. Instead, she was absorbed in the local flora and fauna. This planet was particularly vibrant and she did not want to miss the sensation of fresh _land_ air without the insistence of work at her back. There, that leaf! That, she knew, was the local version of _helnin_ and, when crushed, could be made into a drink to help her sleep. Ancestors knew she needed it. Charin had taught her long ago about various plants in the forest and their medicinal qualities with the intent of her apprenticeship. She had only ever used the _helnin_ after her father had been taken. However, the experience had not gone well, as she had used too much the first time and nearly went into a sleep she could not have come out of. Charin had lambasted her for a week for it…oh how she missed Charin. She would have been a great comfort with this weight she now carried. But how would she have reacted to the decision of the Elders? Would she have stood by her? Or felt as the others…betrayed and disillusioned.

"Okay people. Teyla, you take point with me. Ronon, you've got our six. Rodney, you know where to be. Lets move in."

The ruins were like any other site: hidden with overgrowth and dirt from ten thousand years of neglect. The pair entered first, P-90s at the ready for any surprise. They followed a corridor for some time, testing each door they came to. However, each one turned out to be individual quarters of no consequence. Finally after some twists and turns, they came upon a great set of double doors that led to a great room of sorts. The interior was dark, but as soon as Sheppard stepped a few feet into the enclave, low level lighting engaged, illuminating the contents. In the far corner, several control panels stood dark and covered in dust. In the center, a raised platform emphasized the lone metal table. A single light shown down from the center, giving it a forbidding feel. At once, Sheppard was put on edge. There was something about the room that really, really bugged him. He and Teyla spread out to search the panels on the walls for doors while Rodney went straight to the controls. A few buttons later, the entire room was glowing at full power and a screen could be seen on one wall.

When Teyla entered the room and saw the table for the first time, she could not help but think…

…_They came to her with rope, tying her down to the wood so she wouldn't lash out…_

"Rodney, do you have any idea what they were doing in this room?" John's question jolted her out of her thoughts and he continued to search the walls.

Rodney immediately replied, "Yes, because you've given me all of 3 minutes to figure it all out…of course not! Despite what you think, I do not have super sponge like brain abilities."

As she felt the wall, something in front of her lit up. She felt a scratch on her finger and noticed some blood welling up from the cut. Wiping it on her shirt, she proceeded to approach the table with nothing better to do.

…_The bite of the thorns was only bearable if she kept still while they placed it on her head. She would survive this…_

Teyla winced at the intensity with which she felt the remembrance. Grasping the edge of the table, she leaned forward to catch her breath a bit. No one had noticed her falter, preoccupied as they were with the room around her.

"Col. Sheppard, I will return to the entrance of the building to keep watch since I am not needed here." She needed to get out of the room. The walls were starting to close in on her…

"Sure, Teyla. Just keep in radio contact," John absently replied, "We won't be long in here since we're due back for check in with Atlantis in a bit." As soon as he said this, he turned to face her and was surprised to see a somewhat jerky walk to the entrance. She had braced a hand against the doorway and was gone. He really needed to go and make sure she was okay. This was not normal behavior for her and damned if he was going to sit back and watch her suffer.

TBC

AN: Thank you so much for the reviews! I thought I would reward you all with the third and longest chapter yet! I hope you can see where this is going…well actually, I hope you can't see it so you will be somewhat surprised as the mystery is revealed.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Here's the next chapter and I think you will start to understand the mystery behind Teyla, but a new complication arises…

It was all she could to do not to collapse in the tunnels outside the room. There, in the back of her mind, the memories that she had furiously squashed earlier were pounding relentlessly to take control. They wanted to take her back to _that_ place, a place she swore she wouldn't…_couldn't_…deal with again. Hands on the damp walls, she paused to try to keep the world from spinning out from her. All she had to do was make it outside, then she could sit and calm her mind. Only a few more steps and she would be free…

Footsteps behind her were increasing in volume. Whoever followed her was getting closer and she had to pull herself together before they got to her.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Flash

_...the reflection of light off the blade as it arced down towards her hand…_

Flash

That one was strong. But she was stronger. She gathered her inner reserves and squared her shoulders. Placing her palms at her sides, she turned to face whoever was following her. And was met by the surprised face of Col. Sheppard.

"Teyla. Are you okay?" he wheezed slightly as he spoke. "You seemed a little faint back in there…are you feeling alright?"

Teyla knew she couldn't outright lie, so she did the best she could, "I am alright, Col. Just a little light-headed. I suspect it will pass once I return to the fresh air."

He didn't believe her, that much was certain. But he hesitated in calling her on it. He saw how she rocked slightly back to rest on the wall. It was barely noticeable, but there nonetheless. He stepped forward slightly to lean into her. It made her uncomfortable for him to be this close, he could see, but he needed some truth. Her eyes had narrowed and a slight sheen of sweat collected on her brow. She was flushed but not the kind of healthy flush he wanted to inspire in her. Frankly, she looked sick.

"We should head back to Atlantis. You aren't looking too hot right now and it would greatly ease my mind if you saw Carson as soon as possible."

"That is not necessary, Col. I will be fine. I just need some…"

"Air, I know. But I do not want to endanger your health more by keeping you on a mission that, frankly, could be done by monkees with a hammer. No offense to Rodney of course." Sheppard tapped his COM and continued, "McKay, Ronon, we're heading back now. Clean up and get outside."

"_What's the big rush? We don't have to check in for another hour and this could provide a wealth of information…"_

"I don't have time to argue. Teyla's sick and we need to get back now!"

"_Fine, fine. We're coming."_

"Good. Sheppard out."

They were coming back. Stronger than ever.

…_she could feel the slow burn as the knife was dragged across her abdomen…_

Oh Ancestors! She could feel a tingle were the scars now resided. It was getting too hard to keep it all down. She needed to be outside now.

Sheppard looked to the woman now completely leaning against the wall in front of him. Her hands were clenched and her eyes shut as if in great pain. He was about to grab her arms to help her up and out when she suddenly opened her eyes and darted towards the entrance. The sounds of retching nearby alerted him to her presence near the bushes. She was crouched on the leaves, head bent, and arms clutching her stomach. She looked ready to curl up and die in that position. It must be the flu, he thought. But did the Pegasus galaxy have necessary the immune resistance capable of sustaining her through the virus? He did not want to find that out first hand.

"Rodney, Ronon, get your asses out here now!"

…_fire…heat…her hands were slick with blood and they just kept going…_

Her palms were tingling now; the bite of steel curiously asserting itself. This was not right, her mind furiously bit back. There was a hand at her back, rubbing in slow circles. 'John,' she wanted to cry out. But her voice was not working as her teeth ground together to stave off the next wave of glimpses. Her throat was on fire and everything ached, from her head to her toes. Her skin was hyper-sensitive at her back where John's hand was asserting the faintest of pressure. 'John, help me!' was at her tongue. She felt as if drowning in her own mind. She had no control and was being tossed around between memory and reality.

The ground vibrated as the other two team members ran out. Ronon was immediately at her other side, crouching. He and John shared a silent look as they took her arms and half-carried, half-dragged her body towards the trail. Rodney was uncharacteristically silent during the process, following the trio and keeping an eye out for potential surprises.

The entire walk was an arduous task. Teyla was practically dead weight in their collective arms and her body rigid with tension. She was conscious, a fact that eased John's mind somewhat, but barely. She was caught in the throes of something and it scared the hell out of him. It was only within a few hundred yards of the gate that faint moans could be heard from her. Rodney immediately dialed the gate and sent the IDC, but the few moments of waiting were enough to push John to the edge of his restraint. Ronon was quiet beside him, and his face unnaturally calm. But then again, he couldn't afford to be anything less in this situation. Rodney was already showing the signs of strain more than enough for the both of them and it wouldn't do for the team leader to break down as well. 'Grace under pressure' was a motto he wanted to stick by despite who it was that was now under his care.

The moans were getting louder and they were not gentle noises.

"_Col. Sheppard, you have clearance to proceed through the gate."_

The mismatched trio of warriors were the first ones through the gate, immediately met by Elizabeth with a questioning look of concern on her face.

"We need a medical team down here stat!" John immediately started in. "We don't know what's wrong with her. She just started feeling sick while we were checking out the building. None of us were affected by anything and nothing weird happened. I think she may be sick with something she caught a while ago. She was supposed to be checked out by Carson earlier today."

Elizabeth calmly replied, "Nonetheless, I'd like the entire team checked for toxins. It may be something specific in her that would cause this reaction whereas it may be slow acting in you three."

Teyla was in a haze. She was vaguely aware of the men supporting her at each side, but it was too hard to focus on anything other than the sensation of contact. The memories were getting stronger and longer. She could no longer fight them off as before.

…_the ropes around her wrist were tight and the blood was everywhere. One… 'Athos,' she whispered. And there was relief for a brief moment. Then the hands were at her again. Two… 'Athos,' once more, faintly. Three…_

All at once, Teyla threw her head back and cried out in a hoarse voice, "JOHN!" before collapsing finally.

John took her weight as they slowly fell to the floor. She was out completely and he was left holding her limp body. Medics were coming in to take her to the infirmary with Carson at the helm. John knew he should let go of her and let them take care of the situation, but oddly, his hands weren't responding to the call of his brain. There was something so jarring, almost primal in her use of his name. He never wanted to hear her say his name like that ever again.

"How long has she been like this?" Carson's question seemed to snap John out of his thoughts, "Son, I need ta know how long she's been feeling unwell."

"For the last hour I think," came his stilted answer.

"All right. Lets get her ta bed. Her pulse is steady. She seems ta have just collapsed. Now, I need all of ya ta come along as well. We'll need ta do full work-ups on all of ya."

They wheeled her prone body out of the gate room with all three men following. The rest of the personnel were left standing in the room with a faintly shocked look about them. They had all stopped working when they heard Teyla call out for the Colonel. It was a painful cry reminiscent of Col. Sheppards shouts of pain when the Iratus was clamped to his neck. All were at once grateful for not being on the first-contact team. It was not the first time they had thought this and it certainly would not be the last.

* * *

The infirmary was as cold and sterile as it ever had been. Various nurses were taking blood samples and tests on three patients while the fourth was in an isolated bed, hooked up to an array of monitors. She still hadn't awakened but all electronic read outs were within the normal parameters. It seemed as if she was just sleeping. An IV was hooked up to her arm, the saline drip a steady clear flow into her body. She was still and pale, a far cry from the earlier flush and incessant sweating on the planet. 

"All her tests came back normal. There is no infection, no virus, no nothing. Her adrenalin levels were quite a bit elevated which has me concerned. What produced such a violent reaction tha' her adrenal glands would pump out this much hormone? You assured me she ingested nothing and you all inhaled the same air, so I know abou' as much as you all as ta what's wrong with her," Carson explained in a quiet voice to his audience of Elizabeth, Maj. Lorne, and the three other patients. "Mayhap once we get the results back from tha Colonel, Rodney and Ronon we shall have our answer. All we can do for now is monitor and wait for her ta come out of it."

"Thank you, Carson. For now, all travel to M3X-P429 is suspended just in case. Update me if…_when_ her condition changes," Elizabeth replied. She wanted this situation to resolve itself. Despite their roles as individual leaders, Elizabeth felt a kinship to the petite woman on the bed. She couldn't say they were good friends in the way that Teyla bonded with her teammates, but she liked to think they were friends of some sort. Teyla understood her duty to Atlantis and never questioned her. Well, not never. But she comprehended the responsibility and the decisions Elizabeth never wanted to take but had to make anyway. They were too similar to become much more than they were. At least, that's what Elizabeth thought. There was always that small hope that she could find that kindred soul and share the burden. She saw in Teyla that potential and never pursued it, too scared to let go of her control. And maybe Teyla thought the same.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I still own nothing…please don't sue!

_And on with the show…._

* * *

Carson, of course, took the first shift in watching over her. But he was hardly alone. Rodney dozed lightly on a nearby bed while Ronon slowly paced towards the end of the room and back. John just sat in an adjacent chair, fingers steepled while staring intently at Teyla, who lay unmoving on the bed. There had been no change in the past four hours and it was now nearing midnight. As he looked around the room, he noticed the presence of a fourth in the hall outside the room. Lorne stood silently, watching the rise and fall of her chest. Carson had to wonder when he became such good friends with Teyla. It was unexpected, but then again, they had left the pair for six weeks as the highest ranking officials in Atlantis. Granted, Teyla did not have rank, but her presence as negotiator and diplomat to many of the worlds visited by the expedition made her invaluable and a prime second-in-command. There was something her calm demeanor that inspired the same in whomever she talked with. Her presence was soothing and on more than one occasion, she had talked him into taking a much needed break from his work. It was hard to see her in this position of helplessness since she had such a strong persona. 

Finally, he had had enough of Ronon's incessant pacing and Rodney's snoring. Even John's gaze was starting to get on his nerves. "All right, people. It's bedtime for you lot. Visiting hours are over. Go on…shoo."

Ronon went over to wake Rodney up and within a few minutes, were out the door. Lorne made room for them to leave but did not make a move himself to go. John continued to sit in his chair, never once faltering as Carson forced the others out.

"Come on, son. You cannae stay here," Carson asserted with John.

"I need to," John quietly replied without turning his head.

"I know she's your friend, but you aren't doing a wee bit of good sitting here."

"Being here is the only thing that's keeping me sane right now. I'd rather be sitting in here than staring at the ceiling in my room." The desperation in his voice was palpable though his eyes never strayed from her prone form.

Carson didn't know what to say to that and remained silent for a few moments before walking towards Maj. Lorne. It was one thing to have the Colonel by her bedside, but to have both military heads needlessly expending themselves was another. He was firm in his resolve and no pleading would sway his decision.

"Major, you cannae stay either."

"I need to be here just in case…"

"In case of what? She's stable and her vitals are strong. Nothing will happen tonight."

"Please…she's been under my watch for the past five weeks..." Maj. Lorne seemed to catch himself after his outburst. He stood with jaw set tight and said nothing more.

"Now why would she have been under your watch? If there's something you're not telling me, I suggest you tell me now. Or else I will be forced to get tha' Colonel…"

Lorne paused before saying, "Nothing. Nothing at all. I merely meant that we've been working together and she's my friend."

"Friend or not, I already have one stubborn ass in tha' seat, and I would rather not deal with two. You're going ta have ta leave. No buts."

Resigning himself to waiting in his room, Lorne cast one last look to the patient before adding, "Call me if anything changes." Turning his head as he made his way towards the hall, he continued, "Oh, and Doctor…"

"Yes?"

There was too much at stake and not enough evidence that the two events were connected. He hesitated before answering, "No. Nothing. Goodnight." Though his gut told him that the problem was more serious than a virus, his mind was hesitant to believe anything else. It just wasn't logical. And the Doc knew what he was doing, whereas he was just a soldier..._with a secret not his to tell_.

* * *

John stared at her face. There was nothing to indicate how sick she'd been earlier. Even her face looked peaceful. He ruminated on her pain-filled glances, on her tension-wracked immobility, and on her desperate cry before her collapse. It all seemed to culminate in that one moment; the crux of the ordeal was his name. He didn't know whether she was calling for his help or blaming him. And now he felt completely responsible for her condition. The rational part of his brain told him there was nothing else he could have done, but rationality flew out the window as soon as he saw the utter stillness of her body. 

It had been three hours since the Doc had kicked everyone else out and his constant vigilance was starting to take its toll. His eyes were getting heavy and the steady thrum of instruments was not helping. He had taken to napping in ten minute intervals now that all other personnel were either in bed or in their respective offices. Half an hour ago, he had seen Carson drooling on his data pad, still holding a pen in one hand and an apple in the other. If it had been any other night and he had a camera, he would have taken a couple of shots for posterity. But it was this night and the gravity of the situation was too heavy on his mind.

The infirmary was silent in its echoes. The lights were somewhat dim in this section and all of the hard metals corners and crisp white sheets contrasted heavily with the earthen colors and soft planes of her form. Her chest rose up and down. Slowly but surely, barely there at all. It was disconcerting to say the least.

His eyes made their way down to her neck and shoulders. The pale blue frock was pulled high against the expanse and shifted ever so slightly with each breath. Down past the rise of her breasts to the gently swell of her abdomen. They roamed across the apex of her legs to her knees and finally to the small feet that lay covered by the blanket. She was so damn small. But she packed one hell of a punch in spite of it. It was all muscle underneath he knew. He had felt that skin and knew the power that lay beneath its deceptive sensuality. He would be lying if he didn't admit to the arousal he felt every time they fought. It sparked and cackled across the distance between their bodies, helped by the slick sweat of excitement.

But now was not the time or the place for such thoughts. He reached over and took her hand between his and gently rubbed, hoping to assure himself of reality. The palms and finger tips were rough from years of fighting and planting. Odd. There was a raised line down the center of her hand. And yes…_there_. There was another on the back as well. As if something was driven straight through. He brought the hand up close for examination. It was still slightly pink as if recent…oh Hell no. They would have told him…_she_ would have told him. This was a serious injury that did not happen on his watch and he wanted to know how it happened.

He was resolved to read through the reports now, after having left them on his desk. As he stood to run to his room though, her palm twitched. It was small, but the movement enough to halt him in his tracks. He rushed back to take her hand again but everything was quiet and still once more. He waited for several moments before resigning himself to wishful thinking on his part.

There it was again! He wasn't imagining things after all! He walked briskly to a sleeping Carson and shook him violently on the shoulder.

"Doc…Doc! You have to come quick. I think she's waking up! I swear I saw her hand move."

"Wha…What? What's this you're saying? Slow down, son!"

"She moved, Doc! She moved…"

"Well now. That's good….wait, where are you going?"

Sheppard was already half way out the door when Carson noticed his absence. "I want to be there when she wakes up," he said over his shoulder while paused in the door. Within a few moments, he was approaching her bed with a large grin on his face. But that grin slowly faded as he saw what was happening on the bed ahead of him.

Her arms were out, palms up while half-fisted, jerking as if being held down by an unseen force. Her back was arched off of the bed and her legs straight, toes digging into the cushion. Her eyes were squeezed shut and her mouth was pulled tight into a grimace of pain. Small grunts could be heard as her body tensed as if pulled taught. All of the sudden, she fell back down in a boneless heap. But it was not the placidity of unconsciousness. Her eyes could be seen darting beneath the lids in rapid motion and her breath was now coming in shallow gasps.

Carson arrived not long after the Colonel and watched in horrified silence as the events played out before him. As soon as he gathered his wits about him, he rushed to her bedside and started to lightly shake her in an effort to wake her from the nightmare. Instead, the heart monitor started to drop in frequency and her breathing slowed. He couldn't wake her and her body was starting to show signs of shock. There was nothing visibly wrong with her and nothing from her chemistry came back positive for toxins so he could not give her anything. He didn't know what was wrong with her but her body was obviously reacting to something very serious.

After a few terse seconds of waiting, Carson turned to John with the question on his lips. But before he could answer, John was interrupting with, "I don't know what happened. She was fine, then she started twitching and then she was like this!" His hands raised in emphasis.

All of the sudden, it started over again. Her hands moved first, back into the same position, before her fingers started curling. This time though, her mouth was open in a silent scream as her body curved and twisted a few inches off the bed. The veins in her neck standing out in frightening clarity as her heart beat raced to new heights.

Carson immediately yelled, "Hold her down while I get tha sedatives!" And he was gone in a flash to the next room, leaving John alone with her.

He grabbed onto her shoulders and used his forearms to push her down into the bed. Despite his strength and height advantage, she was struggling upwards with surprising power. He had to use brute force to get her somewhat still, the whole time silently begging for her forgiveness for the bruises he knew she would develop.

Carson was back in time for the end of the episode. It had lasted longer than the previous one and looked much more violent judging by the shell-shocked look on Col. Sheppard's face. He administered the strong sedatives to keep her in a deep and dreamless sleep for the next eight hours while he sincerely hoped it lasted that long. Already her monitor was dropping sharply and her breathing evening out into the shallow gasps of earlier. Typically, within a few minutes, it should deepen and her bp should rise to more normal levels. But this was anything but a normal case and one could only assume so much out here in this galaxy. She would be watched now in shifts, and he was on alert for any changes in her condition. Only time could tell now if it she would respond.

TBC

AN: this would have been up earlier had not been giving me trouble. On another note, I really liked one paragraph here...I wonder if you can guess which one it is...winkwink...I will give you a hint: starts with sh and ends with la...


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** I still own nothing…

**AN:** I hope you like this chapter…I had a lot of grand ideas for how it would go down but in the end, the writing pales in comparison to my imagination. Thank you to all of people who reviewed…without your support I probably would have stopped writing it 3 chapters ago.

_And now on with the show…._

* * *

John spent a restless night in the bed next door, alert for any change in her breathing, nodding off occasionally. Carson came in at dawn to wake him up and kick him out for a much needed shower. It was only knowing that she wouldn't wake up for some time that got him out of the room and to his own quarters. 

He desperately wanted to stay there, but he was on the clock and with no immediate emergency to her situation, Elizabeth would not let him. He couldn't say just how much that hurt, but the rational part of his brain won out and decided that sticking it to her would not be helpful in the situation. So it was with great reluctance that he made his way towards the control room to report in with the boss.

Midway through is meeting with Elizabeth discussing the trade negotiations with a new planet, the COM cackled to life.

"_Col. Sheppard. Please report to the infirmary. I repeat, Col. Sheppard. Please report…"_

He was out of the room in record time.

* * *

By the time John got to the infirmary, she was in the final throes of an attack that far surpassed the previous night's. Everything about her body screamed. Her mouth was forming words but they were unintelligible with all of the activity around her. Her eyes were open, but unseeing and her head rose in supplication. Nothing prepared him for the sight of her whispering his name while in such suffering. It was a physical blow to his chest. Even though she was calming down as he stood there, his body immobile, he couldn't stop the past few seconds from replaying over and over again in his mind. Within moments, she was once again laid out flat on the bed with the monitors steadily beeping around her. 

He was shooed out of the room by one of the nurses as they isolated her once more. Several minutes later, Carson stepped out to face him. Before John could speak though, he was on his COM calling for Dr. Weir, Major Lorne, Rodney and Ronon to assemble in the Med Bay.

"I'm sorry, Colonel. You just have ta wait until tha others get here. I don't want ta repeat myself about this. Rest assured though, she is fine now. I administered another dosage of tha sedatives ta give her body time ta really rest." Carson told him as he made his way towards his office before disappearing behind the closed door once again.

John was left standing there in the time between. The others arrived in record time, anxiously awaiting news of her condition. They were hard pressed to find a measure of objectivity enough to patiently go through their everyday tasks and this interruption only put them more on edge.

Carson returned with pages in hand to direct them towards his office for the next words he would deliver.

"Seeing as there is nothing physically wrong with her, the recent activity leads me ta believe tis' a matter of tha brain. She is showing signs of shock seen mostly in extreme trauma situations but there is nothing indicating what kind of trauma tha' is." Carson calmly explained to the congregation before him.

"I took tha liberty of hooking her up to an EEG while she was under the medication and good thing tha'. She suffered another mild episode this morning while supposedly sedated. Then when the big one happened, I noticed a variance in the readings tha' led me ta this."

Carson brought out the print outs and pointed to the gross variation, "See here. This is her normal brain activity under sedation. This here is her brain activity during the 'attacks'. Tha' is not normal."

"But couldn't this just be dreaming? Like how some people sleep walk…she has enough in her past that would inspire horrible nightmares in any sane person," Rodney cut in.

"You aren't understanding me, son. This is not dreaming. It does not merely rise ta R.E.M levels. It spikes. This is so far beyond dreaming, I would say it's in the realm of real sensory input. Her brain is acting like this is really happening ta her, so far as ta incite these physical responses."

"But it goes away, though, in time…"

"I fear it is far more serious. With the sedatives, she suffered what I would define as a mild attack. Without tha sedatives, it becomes far worse. And they last longer and do more physical damage now than they did during the night."

John butt in, "You said it was only shock. What do you mean damage?"

"Son, the harder and longer they continue, the more stress is put on her body. Already her vitals are in a weaker position than they were yesterday. If this continues, her body will fail ta recoup and she will eventually die."

"Then sedate her! You said it yourself: the episodes are weaker when she has the sedatives…"

"She can't bloody handle tha'! If I keep her under, we won't know how it will affect her. It could do more bloody damage ta her than not. She could go straight into a coma, then die. Or her liver and kidneys would fail and then die. It all ends the same way! I can't do a bloody thing!"

The occupants of the room stood in dazed silence after Carson's exclamation. Each pondering the reality of the circumstances and what would happen if Teyla were to die. It was too uncomfortable to be around each other and as a result, they filed out slowly, wandering to be alone and think alone thoughts.

Carson pulled John aside after the others left. He did not want to have to ask this question but the situation demanded it. "I have ta know: did she ever tell you about any torture tha's been done ta her?"

"What?" John's stunned reply was too loud for the quiet environment.

"She seems like she's reliving something over and over again and I've found some scarring tha' would indicate deep wounds. So I was wondering if you knew anything seeing as you're the closest to her," Carson tentatively explained.

"No…she's never told me anything about torture, but how new did those wounds look?"

"Well, I can't say for certain since her Wraith DNA may affect some of her healing abilities, but they look fairly recent. At least within the last six months…"

The pregnant pause that followed did not assure Carson in the least. "I don't know what happened, but I think I know who does…" John's quick stalk out of the room boded ill for his intended prey and Carson was glad to have not been at that end of John's anger. His face had been a calm mask, but his flinty eyes revealed the nature of his mission.

* * *

John spotted Lorne in a far corridor towards the West Pier after asking around for half an hour. The place was empty and John had no intention of letting the good Major get away this time. He was looking in the opposite direction and thus, did not see John as he came up behind him. 

"You know something." John's quiet voice startled Lorne out of his inattention.

Lorne hesitated before replying, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do. You've known this whole time. And I want to know what that is."

"I really don't know what you want to know…" he repeated in haste.

John moved quickly, reflexes enhanced by his training with Teyla. Within a blink of an eye he had Lorne pinned to the wall, one hand at his throat and the other against the chest. "Teyla is going to die. Is that motivation enough for you?" John asked in the same deceptively soft voice.

"I can't! I swore to her…"

"Oath or not, she is dying! What you say could mean the difference between the blood being on your hands or on fate's. Now what is it going to be?"

"She…I…"

"She's your goddamn friend!"

"Okay! Okay…I'll tell you what I know. But I don't know much. She never told me why and I just cleaned up the mess."

John let go of the red-faced major and stood silently, waiting for him to continue.

"A week after you left, she asked for some personal time on the mainland. Since there was nothing important going on, I said yes. She requested that I fly her, but I was cornered by the science department and couldn't spare the time. So Miller took her and flew back within the day." Here Lorne paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts and courage to begin the second part of the story.

"Two days later, we get a hail on the radio – you know, the emergency one we gave to Halling – requesting someone fly over to collect her. I wondered why she didn't say so herself, but then I thought that she was busy at the time. As her friend, I flew one of the jumpers to the mainland expecting a quick pick up. When I got there, Halling was waiting for me at the designated spot…"

Lorne was silent once more, staring off at a spot beyond John's shoulder. Before he continued, he gave a pained glanced towards John's face before looking to the floor.

"There was so much blood. She was covered in it. Completely unconscious, which was not surprising. There were various wounds to her body but I couldn't tell how many or how serious they were because of all the blood. Halling carried her in his arms before dumping her in mine." His voice was softly cracking through the narrative, "He said something but…but I didn't hear him, I was staring at her. I flew her back here and sometime between the Jumper Bay and the Medical Bay she started waking up. The doctor on staff put her out and patched her up. She was unconscious for a day and confined to the bed for another two."

As he continued, his voice gained in vigor, "During her confinement, she begged me to swear not to tell anyone what happened. I told her no, citing the fact that everyone probably already knew from the activity in the Med Bay, but she was relentless. Turns out it was her lucky day since most of the staff was out and the rest were pretty easy to persuade. I told myself that I could watch her and make sure she was alright. She spent the rest of the weeks recuperating in her room and meditating in the gym. I tried asking her what happened, but she just clammed up. So I made a trip back and tried to get Halling to answer. But that was a bust as well. All he said was that she was my people now and then walked away. I didn't know what else to do and I couldn't report anything." He broke off, as if contemplating something quite foul.

"The thing is, the mandate for reports involve off-world or on-base activity of our people. But Teyla and the mainland didn't fit into either, so I thought it was okay." He stopped here, running out of steam and slumping against the wall. He held his head in his hands while he said the next few words, "But she isn't okay and it's my fault."

John mutely watched him. He was searching for the right words while trying to maintain his grip on sanity. His hands unconsciously fisted and his body tensed. The chasm between them was deep and wide though they stood but three feet from each other. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" John spit out.

"She didn't give me any choice! Everything was fine until she went on the mission. And I didn't think this would happen. This isn't normal! I've seen POW's and this isn't anything like it. You would have done the same thing in my position. If you were me, and she begged, you would have kept silent too…"

"But I wasn't. And I'm not," John flatly cut in before walking off.

Lorne was lost in his recriminations. He knew he should have told someone, but at the time, she was fine! She was fine and she goddamn forced him to keep shut. It wouldn't have done anything good if he told then and even now, there was nothing they could do. She was dying and the information he had only poured salt into the wounds. He would never forgive himself this.

TBC


End file.
